An Awkward Moment
by Cartoonatic55
Summary: Shifu has an awkward moment when one of his students tells him an embarrassing secret. Crackfic. T for, er, suggestive stuff, if you know what I mean... Not the best Valentien's Day fic, but still...


**_Title: An Awkward Moment_**

**_Summary: Shifu has an awkward moment when one of his students tells him an embarrassing secret. Crackfic. T for, er, suggestive stuff, if you know what I mean... Not the best Valentien's Day fic, but still..._**

**_Warning: A non-slash crackpair you probably never saw coming. And plenty of weird stuff. Now ye've been warned._**

**_Genre: Good question._**

**_Rated: T. It says so in the summary as well as why._**

**_A/N: Okay, honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It was late, I was bored, it was a Thursday school-night, and I was on a sugar-high. Oh yeah, and I obviously don't own Kung Fu Panda. I hate me. XP_**

It was late at night and Shifu was by the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom looking up at the full moon. The air was still and the only sound that could be heard was the sound of the breeze gently whistling past everything in it's path. He had visited the tree often ever since the death of his friend and master Oogway. He missed him, but he knew that he couldn't stay forever nor could he bring him back, no matter how much he wished for it to happen. But he knew that Oogway would've wanted him to move on with his life even after his death, and so he did, but every now and then he still liked to think of his master. But it was getting late so he decided to head back home, but before he could, he heard something move. He quickly turned around and readied to defend himself against the stranger, but he lowered his defense when the shadowy figure came forward to reveal herself.

"Viper? What are you doing here? Do you have any idea of how late it is?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," she chuckled.

"Viper, now is really not a good time to ask questions."

"But _no_ time is ever a good time to ask questions with you!"

Shifu sighed. "Viper, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm tired."

Viper slithered up to his side. "But why?"

"Why am I tired?"

"No, I mean why are you always coming up here? Is it because you still miss Master Oogway?"

He paused for a moment. The mention of his master's name had always made him stop to think about him and how much he taught him. He sadly looked down and away from Viper. "Yes," he sighed.

Viper frowned. She disliked seeing anyone she cared for to be upset. She wished that she could give him a hug, but alas, she had no arms. So instead she gently wrapped herself around her master's middle and moved her body so that now her face was barely an inch from his nose. "It's alright, master," she said warmly. "We all miss Master Oogway. Probably not as much as you since you've known him longer, but we still miss him. We just don't show it as much."

Shifu tried to make a little more room between her face and his. The fact that they were so close to one another made him feel uncomfortable. (And a little bit awkward.) "I understand," he said calmly. He tried to act as calm as he could so that he wouldn't make Viper feel as if her attempt at cheering him up was unwanted, which it wasn't.

Viper smiled. "You know, if you were to die, we'd miss you too." Then she realized that her statement might make him feel nervous or give him the thought that he was going to die soon, so she quickly tried to correct herself. "But I'm not saying that I _want_ you to die or anything! I don't! I really don't! I just meant that when you're time comes that when you have to die, which is hopefully not any time soon, but that when you do that-"

"No, I understand," he said quickly. He really did understand, he just didn't want her to panic or else she might accidentally squeeze his chest and suffocate him.

Viper looked deeply into his eyes. They sparkled brightly like the stars that were in the sky. Her smile grew a bit larger, then, without warning, she quickly pressed her lips against his and removed them just as quickly. Shifu jerked back in shock and let out a shout in surprise!

Viper gasped and she removed the rest of her body from his middle. "I-I'm sorry, Master Shifu! D-Did I hurt you?!"

Shifu, who now had his back to her, was feeling his lips with his hand. He had never been kissed before, and Viper was one of the last women he'd expect to do it! It felt strange, but other than that, his lips felt fine. He looked at Viper out of the corner of his eye.

Still worried that he didn't answer, she asked again. "Are you alright, master?!"

Not wanting to make Viper feel too upset, he removed his hand from his lips, he turned around and made eye contact with her. "Yes," he answered.

The two of them stared at each other for a long time, neither saying a word to the other. They barely moved. They stayed like that for what seemed like forever until Shifu had enough.

"Well, it _is _getting late, so I'm going to go," he stated quickly. He turned around and started to head back. "I think a good night's rest is just what I ne-"

"I love you."

Those three little words made him stop dead in his tracks. He turned halfway towards her. "W-W-What did you say?," he asked. He wanted to make sure that his ears had actually heard what he thought they did.

Viper didn't look up, but she did repeat her last words for her master. "I said I love you." Without moving the rest of her body, her eyes looked over at him. His mouth was hanging slightly open and his eyes were still wide open. She looked down again and growled angrily at herself. "I _knew_ that this would happen! I just _knew _it!," she said angrily as she moved herself towards the peach tree and looked down so that the top of her head was parallel with the trunk.

Shifu followed slightly behind her. "Viper?," he asked.

She sniffed sadly. "Look, I know it's weird because you're way older than I am! No offense."

"Um, alright?"

She sadly continued. "And I know that I'm a Green Tree Viper and that you're a- a-"

"Red Panda," he answered.

"Yes," she said sadly. "Ive tried telling myself again and again that you'd never understand and that it would never work, but my heart just won't listen!" She rested her head against the trunk of the tree and sighed.

Shifu frowned. He didn't like seeing Viper like this. It was so unlike her. Usually she was cheerful, bright, sweet and optimistic. Seeing her sulking and acting so upset was very much unlike her. True, he was still a little surprised that she said she loved him, but that didn't matter. He had to do something to make her feel better. He slowly walked up to her and gently wrapped his arms around where he guessed the lower part of her neck was. His movements made her lift her head away from the tree trunk and she leaned against his cheek. "That's alright, Viper," he said gently. True, he didn't like Viper quite like that, but he stll felt like he should comfort her by telling her that crushes like these usually fade away with time, but without doing so directly. "These sort of things happen all the time. It just takes a while to get over it."

Viper perked up a bit. "You mean, a relationship with two people like you and me could work?," she asked.

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I meant. I mean that something like this usually, well, fades away."

Confused, she turned her head to look at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean things like, well, um-"

"Awkwardness?"

"I was going to say things like crushes, but-"

"What?! You think that this is just a crush?!"

"Well, I was only assuming that it was a-" But before he could finish, she quickly wrapped herself around him in a way that he couldn't move.

"There's someone else, isn't there?!"

"What?"

"Let me guess; It's Tigress, isn't it?!"

"Tigress?!"

"I knew it! _Everybody_ thinks that Tigress is more attractive than I am!"

"No! It's not Tigress!"

"Well do I know her?"

"Yes. I mean no! I mean-"

Then she gasped. "You're not gay are you?!"

**_"NO, I AM NOT GAY!"_**

"Well then what's the problem?!"

He was about to shout back at her again, but he stopped himself. _'This is ridiculous!,'_ he told himself. _'Yelling isn't going to get you anywhere.'_ He took a deep breath and said as calmly as he could, "I think we should both calm down and not talk about this anymore."

At first she glared at him, not wanting to drop the subject, but when she saw that he wasn't going to bring it up again, she gave in. "Okay, we won't talk about it," she sighed calmly. However she didn't remove herself from his body, which puzzled him a bit.

"Viper, I hate to be rude, but are you planning on removing yourself from me anytime soon?"

Viper just smiled at him. She tightened her grip on his legs which caused him to fall to the ground while she was still curled up around him. She got close to his ear and whispered, "Have you ever 'popped the cherry' before?"

Shifu's eyes widened in fear. His mouth shakily mouthed 'pop' as he started nervously shaking all over. He had never even gotten _close_ to doing that, and by the sound of it, Viper was going to give him the pleasure of the experience! Oh how he wished that this wasn't happening, but when he blinked, he was in a completely different setting. Now he was standing outside the Jade Palace, but there was something different about it. There were white decorations everywhere. He looked around to see if he was the only one there, but he wasn't. He noticed that Crane was looking about and checking on all the decorations as he was talking to Zeng and two pigs that he recognized as two acquaintances of Po.

"Now make sure that those flowers are all there. You know how touchy the bride gets," Crane told them. The three of them nodded in agreement and they ran off to check on said flowers.

Curious, Shifu walked over to Crane. "Crane? What are you doing?"

Crane adjusted some of the flowers in the vase of the table he was at. "Just making sure everything's set for the wedding," he explained.

"Wedding?," he asked. "Whose getting married?"

Crane turned his head towards his master. He gave him a slightly confused look. "Uh, you are?"

"What?! Me?!," he shouted in disbelief.

Crane nodded, still keeping his semi-confused look. "Yeah. Were you under so much stress that you forgot your own wedding?"

Before he could say another word, Monkey grabbed his arm and started taking Shifu inside the Jade Palace. "Come master, or you'll be late!," he exclaimed.

"Late?! But there must be some mistake! I can't be getting married!"

Just then Mantis hopped onto his shoulder. "Oh but you are!," he said.

Then Po came to his other side. "Yeah. Guess it's kinda hard to believe, huh?"

Po was right. He _did_ find it hard to believe! Why would he be getting married?! And who was the bride?! He wanted to ask one of them, but before he could get the chance, they were already opening the doors to the inside where he saw Tigress standing, all in white with a bouquet of white flowers held in her paws. "Tigress?!," he exclaimed in confusion. "I'm marrying Tigress?!"

"No," Tigress scoffed. "I'm just the bridesmaid. _She_ is the bride." She stepped out of the way to reveal Viper, who was wearing a crown of white flowers.

"Hi sweetie!," she said cheerfully. Shifu's eyes widened in horror. With the memory of what she did to him, his legs refused to move any further, so Po pushed him to her.

Po bent over and whispered to Shifu, "Don't worry. My dad's gonna be here with Viper's parents any minute."

Shifu raised an eyebrow. "Your dad?" Why would Po tell him about his father coming to his wedding? Especially one as odd as this one?!

He got his answer soon enough, for just then Mr. Ping pushed open the doors and shouted gleefully, "Have no fear! Your minister is here!"

"Minister?" This was getting weirder and weirder by the second.

"The real minister got sick today so Po brought his father in as a replacement," Viper explained.

Viper's parents followed in behind him and set themselves behind the bride. "So, which one of you is getting married?," Mr. Ping asked. His eyes immediately flowed over to Tigress and he gasped. "Oh Po! Why didn't you tell me this was your wedding?! And such a bride too! Oh my!"

"Dad, I'm not the one whose getting married," Po explained.

"Oh?" Mr. Ping turned to his son. "You're not?"

"No, they are," he said as he motioned toward Shifu and Viper.

Mr. Ping gave them a strange look. "Are you sure?"

Shifu was about to shout out "No!", but Viper said "Yes!" before he could do so.

"Well, if you're sure," Mr. Ping shrugged. He went in front of the couple and took out a scroll from a woven bag he was carrying with him. The let go of the bottom half of the scroll and let it roll out to it's full length, which was about half the length of the room itself. "Now let me see. Weddings, weddings-"

As he searched through the scroll, Shifu signaled for Mantis to come over, so he hopped over to his shoulder. "Mantis, why am I getting married to Viper?," he whispered.

Mantis shrugged. "I don't know. It probably has something to do with the fact that you got her pregnant."

"Oh," he said calmly. Then he suddenly realized what he said, which made him shout aloud, **_"PREGNANT?!" _**Everyone turned their heads to Master Shifu, with the exception of Mr. Ping, who was still trying to find the speech for the wedding ceremony. Shifu shrunk back in his kimono a bit. He was glad that he had fur on his face or else they would notice how red his face was from saying such a thing out loud. After a few seconds they turned back to the way they were, but now Viper's father was giving him a glare of daggers from out of the corner of his eye. Shifu straightened himself out then turned to Mantis again. "How did I get her pregnant?," he whispered.

"You should know. You were the one who-"

"Oh dear," Mr. Ping said in a sorry tone. "The minister must've given me the wrong scroll. I can't find anything about weddings on here." Then he looked at the couple and said in a more cheery tone, "No matter! This just means we'll have to do this the easy way!" He turned to Viper. "Now, young lady, do you take this, erm, thing, to be your husband, for better or for worse, until death?"

Shifu glared at Mr. Ping for calling him a 'thing' rather than calling him by his real name or a Red Panda at least, but that didn't bother Viper. She just looked at Shifu and said, "I do."

Mr. Ping nodded. "Good!" Then he turned to Shifu. "And do you, sir, take this snake to be your wife, for better or for worse, until death?"

Shifu desperately wanted to say no, and he almost did, but then he glanced over at her parents and saw that her father was still giving him a look of daggers. He gave a quiet, menacing hiss which for some reason no one else seemed to hear. Shifu gulped. He knew he would be in trouble if he didn't, so he nervously said, "Yes, I do."

"Good! Now are there any objections to be had? No? Well then, you may now kiss the bride!" Then he pushed Shifu and Viper's faces together so that her lips were shoved against his nose, which made them both cry out "Ouch!" Once they separated, Shifu gave his nose a gentle rub as Viper stared passionately at him.

"For better or for worse until death," she quoted. As the two of them were leaving, Viper looked up at her master and now husband. "Isn't this exciting?! Now we're going to spend our whole lives together! You, me, and the new baby! Oh, isn't this wonderful, Shifu? We're going to be parents! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me!"

Shifu, on the other hand, was less than thrilled with this. He was trying to make sense of it all. One moment it was late at night, under the Sacred Peach Tree, and Viper was making a move on him, and in the blink of an eye it was daytime at the Jade Palace and now Viper was somehow pregnant with him being the father of said unborn child, and now as a result of his guilt he was now married to her to right whatever went wrong. But there were so many holes that had to be filled in. When did she find out she was pregnant? Since when did he propose? And what the hell was the kid gonna look like?! There were so many confusing thoughts. This was so weird! And it was about to get even weirder. When he finally looked up to see his new bride's face, he didn't see Viper, but rather a small, white, furry, blue-eyed snake-like creature with light orange markings on it's back! The creature shouted, "Daddy!" and immediately tackled him.

"D-D-Daddy?!," Shifu stuttered. _This_ was their kid?! As the child wrapped itself around his arm, Viper came into view.

"Blade, Shifu! Come on! It's time for lunch!"

The creature removed itself from his father's arm and looked over at Viper. "Okay mommy," he said as he slithered away.

Shifu stood up and dusted himself off. "Blade?," he questioned. What kind of a name was that for a kid?! Especially _their_ kid?!

"Tigress thought it'd be a nice name for him," Viper told him. Then she stopped and sighed as she watched their son slither up to his "Uncle Popo," as he called him. "It was like he was an egg only yesterday."

Shifu was still confused though. How was any of this possible?! How did this happen?! How did it go by so fast?! How could they be married?! And how the hell could they have a kid?! All of these thoughts filled his head as he walked into the kitchen and dining room. Blade playfully curled himself around Po's arm and showed him his baby-fangs. Po laughed and patted his head. "What's for lunch, Uncle Popo?," he asked.

"Just this new little noodle dish I was interested in trying out," he told him.

"Oh goody! Noodles!" He released himself from Po's arm and moved over to the table.

Viper and Shifu each took a seat beside him; Viper to his left, Shifu to his right. Po came out with a bowl for each of them. "Okay, now I haven't gotten everything _completely_ perfect yet, but I'm so close that I can almost taste it!"

"Then taste it!," Viper laughed.

"I will, I will! But I want your opinions first, okay?"

Viper chuckled. "Alright." Viper and Blade took a spoonful of the noodle soup that had what looked like a few spices in it. Blade slurped his spoonful up in a second and started to get some more. Viper quietly took her spoonful and looked up at Po with a smile. "Po, this is incredible!"

"Yeah!," Blade agreed between swallows.

"Wow, really? Thanks!," Po said with delight. Then he looked over at Shifu, who hadn't even touched his yet. "Aren't you gonna try any master?"

Viper looked over at her husband. "Come on, darling. Try it!," she insisted.

Shifu stared quizzically down at the bowl before him. "I don't know."

Viper smiled at him. "Trust me, dear. This is to die for!"

Shifu took a spoonful and he managed to take his mind off the puzzlement of it all long enough to smile. "And death is the only adventure I have left." He lifted the spoon up to his lips and swallowed. At first he felt fine, but then he felt something happening. He felt as if his throat was closing up. He immediately dropped the spoon and held on to his throat.

Alarmed, Viper looked over at Shifu, then at Po. "Po, what did you put in there?!"

"Nothing! Just some noodles, a little bit of vinegar and oregano, and-"

"Oregano?! He's allergic to oregano!"

"What?! Oh no! Master, I'm so sorry! I had no idea!"

Shifu started gasping for breath. Viper quickly ordered Po to take Blade out of the kitchen. Po understood as he quickly scooped up the young creature and took him out of the room. "Is Daddy gonna be okay, Uncle Popo?," Blade asked.

"Don't worry, Blade. You're dad's gonna be fine," Po reassured him. "He and mommy just need to be left alone for a moment, that's all."

Shifu felt his breath getting shorter and shorter. Viper's eyes filled with tears. "No master! Please don't die!"

Shifu closed his eyes and closed them hard, then he opened them to find himself in a place he didn't quite recognize. It was inside of a building, but what building it was he wasn't sure. The doors to the room were wide open, showing a mass of gray clouds that hung drearily outside as the rain poured on. The room was lit with numerous red candles. He then heard the faint crying of someone. He turned around to see his students, Zeng, Mr. Ping, Po's two pig friends, and Blade. They were quietly gathered around a small box where they were sadly staring at whatever was in it. Viper was softly crying as their son shed silent tears that trickled down his fur and onto the ground. Monkey, Crane, Mantis and Po did their best not to cry, but he could see in their eyes that they were deeply upset. Tigress was also trying her best to keep herself from crying, but she couldn't help but to do so. She turned to Po and buried her face into his fur to prevent the others from seeing the tears run down her face. Zeng, Mr. Ping and the two pigs had their heads bowed in respect. Soon, everyone had departed, except for Viper. She stayed behind so that she was alone in the room. Their son wanted to stay too, but Tigress insisted on him following them and he quietly obeyed. Shifu moved to the side so that everyone could go by, but he noticed that nobody had even glanced in his direction. He was curious. Why did they not look at him? Did they not notice him? But then he turned to see Viper leaning in to look inside the box. When everyone had left, she finally spoke the first words he had heard the whole time.

"Until death do us part, but alas; Death came too soon for you, my darling Shifu."

These words struck fear into Shifu's heart. He rushed over to the box and his eyes widened with fight to find his own lifeless corpse within.

"No! This cannot be!," he shouted in disbelief. "I'm still alive! I can feel it!" Then he looked over at Viper. "Viper! Look at me! Please look at me!" But his cries were in vain. She couldn't hear him. She just looked down at his body and sighed.

"Oh, how I wish this was all a dream," she sighed sadly. "That way I'd have the comfort of knowing that this wasn't real when I wake up."

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

Her words echoed throughout his mind and they just wouldn't leave him. He too wished that this was all a dream and wished that if it was that he would wake up.

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

Shifu tried to get those words out of his head as best he could.

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

He grabbed at his fur and firmly tugged at it. He shut his eyes firmly and shouted, **_"STOP!"_**

Then he opened up his eyes again. It was now daytime, and he was laying on his side facing the Sacred Peach Tree. He pushed himself up and looked around. He looked up at the clear blue sky. Then a familiar voice greeted him. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

Shifu quickly turned around to see Viper cheerily looking down at him. The sight of her made him jump. "Viper!," he gasped. "What are you doing here?!"

"Well, everyone else back at the temple hasn't seen you, so they sent me out to look for you. You fell asleep out here, by the look of it."

"I did?," he asked. "Funny. I don't remember falling asleep here." He paused, then he asked, "Viper, did you come up here last night?"

"Me? No. I don't think anyone did but you." She smiled sweetly, which actually made him just a little uneasy since he was still thinking about that nightmare he had. And before he knew it, he asked a very unusual question.

"Viper? I really hate to ask you this, but am I wearing anything?"

"No. As a joke I took your clothes off and threw them down toward the valley."

**_"YOU DID WHAT?!"_**

Viper laughed. "I'm kidding! Of course you're wearing your clothes master." She thought it was a stupid question to ask her that. But that brought up another question. "Why _wouldn't_ you be wearing them?"

Amazed at the stupidity of his own question, Shifu simply said, "No reason."

Viper looked at him strangely. "You're sure acting weird this morning."

"Am I?," he asked. Then he looked down at the ground and quietly cursed himself for asking another stupid question.

Not wanting to upset her master too much, she decided not to answer and to take his mind off the subject. "Well, we'd better get going, master. The others will be expecting us soon."

Shifu nodded. He stood up and he watched her for a moment as she made her way back to the temple. "Viper?"

She stopped and turned her head towards him. "Yes, master?"

"Do you-" He paused. He was unsure as to whether or not he should ask her this, but he decided to ask her anyway. "Do you like me?"

She laughed at the thought of her master asking her such a thing. "Of course I like you, master," she answered.

"No, I know that, but what I mean is do you... Well, you know..."

Viper's eyes widened a little. "Oh! You mean _that_ kind of like?"

He didn't look at her at first, for he was too embarrassed to look at her. "Well, yes." Without lifting his head, his eyes looked up at her.

After a moment of silence, Viper laughed. "No! Of course not, master!"

"Oh," he sighed with relief. "Thank goodness." He himself laughed about asking such a thing. Then he started heading back to the temple and he smiled. Of course Viper didn't like him like that! Why would she? It was all just a part of that crazy dream he had. Though what that dream really meant he wasn't sure, but he didn't want to think about it.

Viper followed slowly behind him, pondering over why he would ask such a thing. Did _he_ like her like that? Unlikely. Shifu doesn't seem like the type to do that. Especially over her. But then again, why would he bother asking if he didn't? Either way it was strange, but it didn't bother her much. So long as things stayed the way they should be, that was fine with her.

**_The End_**

**_A/N: Wow. I can't believe I wrote that. And if you've made it this far, I can't believe you read all of that! (Unless you skipped through all that, which I totally don't blame you if you did.) Okay, and in case any of you Hook affictionados caught that "And death is the only adventure I have left", I'll let you know so I don't have to keep telling you all this; Yes, I totally got that line from Hook. (For those of you who haven't seen Hook, I'll tell you it's a line said by Captain Hook, who just so happened to be the same guy who voiced Master Shifu; Dustin Hoffman. I love that guy!) Okay. Again, sorry for the eyesore, the crackpair (anyone who says that Shifu/Viper is not a crackpair should really think about it), the Shifu/Viper kid (I have no idea how I came up with him), and the suggestive stuff that may have you scrubbing your eyeballs for weeks._**

**_Oh yeah, and I still don't own Kung Fu Panda. (For obvious reasons. This fic being one of them.)_**

**_Oh yeah. Happy Valentine's Day. Hope this fic didn't ruin it for ya._**


End file.
